My Divine Comedy

I'm a very literal, rational person.  I always have been.  Growing up with a distant, neglectful father and no other friends or family, though, made an outside source of comfort very, very appealing, and religion sometimes provided that.

I was raised Christian, but became pagan more than twenty years ago.  That twenty years was a back-and-forth thing, with my doubts and rationality constantly at odds with the religion that I got a degree of much-needed comfort from.  I'd follow the religion, then get frustrated because it didn't make sense and stop.  Then I'd get frustrated because I wasn't getting the opiate that my mass needed so badly.  I was never completely content, because, deep down, I knew that the comfort was just an illusion I was letting myself buy into.

About four years ago I decided that it was time to have it out once and for all.  I buried myself in the pagan culture, determined to really get to the heart of it all.  I even ended up as a leader in the local pagan community.  I listened, I observed, and I spent lots of time in introspection.  I learned where my frustrations were coming from. I listened to the people with experience and found that they hadn't answered the tough questions - rather, they hadn't bothered to ask them.  It was trying, and it was frustrating.  It was  a constant source of stress.  A year or so ago my boys brought it all to a head for me.  They were old enough that they were starting to ask questions about my beliefs.  I found, very quickly, that while I had the 'answers', I was uncomfortable giving them.  I realized that it was because I didn't believe them myself, and hadn't in quite some time.

It is funny how often 'making up your mind' really means becoming aware of the answer you knew all along.

It was an amazing relief when it happened.  One day I was fighting with the religion, trying to make sense of it all, trying to justify it to myself, and the next day I was packing up my books and herbs, fully aware that I was an atheist (an agnostic atheist to be more precise), and had been for a very long time.  Yes, I've lost that source of comfort which I need now more than ever, when even that distant father is long gone.  On the other hand, I've lost a big source of stress, confusion, and frustration.

I'm amazingly content.  It's taken me nearly forty years, but I've finally found my answers, my truth.  Now, when my children ask me questions about life, the universe, and everything, I'm ready to answer.