I'm a very literal, rational person. I always have been. Growing up with a distant, neglectful father and no other friends or family, though, made an outside source of comfort very, very appealing, and religion sometimes provided that.
I was raised Christian, but became pagan more than twenty years ago. That twenty years was a back-and-forth thing, with my doubts and rationality constantly at odds with the religion that I got a degree of much-needed comfort from. I'd follow the religion, then get frustrated because it didn't make sense and stop. Then I'd get frustrated because I wasn't getting the opiate that my mass needed so badly. I was never completely content, because, deep down, I knew that the comfort was just an illusion I was letting myself buy into.
About four years ago I decided that it was time to have it out once and for all. I buried myself in the pagan culture, determined to really get to the heart of it all. I even ended up as a leader in the local pagan community. I listened, I observed, and I spent lots of time in introspection. I learned where my frustrations were coming from. I listened to the people with experience and found that they hadn't answered the tough questions - rather, they hadn't bothered to ask them. It was trying, and it was frustrating. It was a constant source of stress. A year or so ago my boys brought it all to a head for me. They were old enough that they were starting to ask questions about my beliefs. I found, very quickly, that while I had the 'answers', I was uncomfortable giving them. I realized that it was because I didn't believe them myself, and hadn't in quite some time.
It is funny how often 'making up your mind' really means becoming aware of the answer you knew all along.
It was an amazing relief when it happened. One day I was fighting with the religion, trying to make sense of it all, trying to justify it to myself, and the next day I was packing up my books and herbs, fully aware that I was an atheist (an agnostic atheist to be more precise), and had been for a very long time. Yes, I've lost that source of comfort which I need now more than ever, when even that distant father is long gone. On the other hand, I've lost a big source of stress, confusion, and frustration.
I'm amazingly content. It's taken me nearly forty years, but I've finally found my answers, my truth. Now, when my children ask me questions about life, the universe, and everything, I'm ready to answer.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Getting this Thing Rolling
It looks like it is time to replace the lorem ipsum with some actual text.
Note that I did not say 'content'. I'm not here to provide content, I'm here to jabber, to talk, to think out loud. It is on the internet instead of in a pen-and-paper journal because I have family and friends that I don't see often who like to keep track of what is going on in my life.
I've been riding that great roller-coaster of life, marathon style, for the past few years. From a supervisor in a large corporation, married, and with kids on the way to a divorced single father of two surviving on a disability check. From an active member (and leader) of the local pagan community to a very content atheist.
There have been a lot of ups and downs, and things are getting ready to change again. This time, though, I'm the one changing them. I'm tired of being on disability, and I'm taking the steps necessary to get off of it within the next couple of years. I'm making plans to return to college after fifteen years away. I tried to do so a couple of years ago, but found out that it would create some problems with the disability, so I put it off. Now, though, it is time. I'm tired of this stagnation. I've been making changes in my life like mad, and I'm chomping at the bit to make more. Hell, I've even gone so far as to rearrange the house and shave every last bit of fuzz off of my face just for the sake of change (I'll be growing the moustache back, though. Damn, but I'm ugly clean-shaven!)
So, as you can see, I have a lot to figure out, a lot to record, and a lot to talk about. Hence this place.
Note that I did not say 'content'. I'm not here to provide content, I'm here to jabber, to talk, to think out loud. It is on the internet instead of in a pen-and-paper journal because I have family and friends that I don't see often who like to keep track of what is going on in my life.
I've been riding that great roller-coaster of life, marathon style, for the past few years. From a supervisor in a large corporation, married, and with kids on the way to a divorced single father of two surviving on a disability check. From an active member (and leader) of the local pagan community to a very content atheist.
There have been a lot of ups and downs, and things are getting ready to change again. This time, though, I'm the one changing them. I'm tired of being on disability, and I'm taking the steps necessary to get off of it within the next couple of years. I'm making plans to return to college after fifteen years away. I tried to do so a couple of years ago, but found out that it would create some problems with the disability, so I put it off. Now, though, it is time. I'm tired of this stagnation. I've been making changes in my life like mad, and I'm chomping at the bit to make more. Hell, I've even gone so far as to rearrange the house and shave every last bit of fuzz off of my face just for the sake of change (I'll be growing the moustache back, though. Damn, but I'm ugly clean-shaven!)
So, as you can see, I have a lot to figure out, a lot to record, and a lot to talk about. Hence this place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)